“Why aren’t you mad at him?!” my friend exclaimed, as she turned to face me, her cocktail sloshing to one side.
I stopped to think about it. Why wasn’t I upset at my husband? We had made these dinner plans a week before, and he was fully aware of them. He had chosen to go out four-wheeling with the guys all day; an annual “thrash.” I had spent the day preparing appetizers for our evening, doing laundry, cleaning, taking care of our daughter, and had gotten the two of us out the door on time, with hot food, sans daddy. When I arrived at our friends’ house minus a third of our party, I was slightly embarrassed, yes. This was not what they were expecting, and I was sorry for that. One of the first things I said as I unloaded my bag onto the kitchen counter was “I will apologize for him but I won’t make any excuses. He should be here, and he isn’t.”
So, our backs to the fireplace, glass of wine in hand, it took me a minute to contemplate my friend’s question. Why wasn’t I mad at him? I responded as honestly and simply as I could, “I’m not mad at him because being mad isn’t going to get him here on time. If I’m mad, it’s just going to ruin my evening, and I’d rather have fun.”
That was the moment. That was one of many moments. But it gave me pause. I was not the person I used to be. The old me would have been mad. I would have made subtly snide comments about it to our friends, would have sent him passive aggressive text messages, would have ruminated on it all evening, argued with him about it once we got home and we probably would have ended the evening with our backs to each other in bed. Instead, when my husband did arrive, an hour late, he walked into an elaborately planned nerf gun attack by a gang of adults and kids, complete with the lights off and the blinds pulled; his punishment for being late. And now I have pictures on my phone of my husband trying to escape the onslaught of foam bullets by hiding behind a giant stuffed Winnie the Pooh, with a huge grin on his face. And I have nothing but the memories of a fun evening with friends. Because I chose peace and happiness over anger.
Choosing is the most important thing you will do in order to have peace and happiness. You must choose, first, that you want to pursue happiness. Once you have decided to follow the path to happiness, you must continue to choose it, over and over and over again. Every day; sometimes several times a day. As you are confronted with the daily challenges and struggles of life, you must approach each new situation with the decision to see it through this lens. This does not mean that you will always feel happy. Your responsibilities will not go away; there will still be traffic, bills to pay, mean people, crowded grocery stores, broken things, burned dinners, and bad weather. It is perfectly normal for your mind and body to react to these things negatively. But it is your choice to turn the negativity aside, refuse to react, and refuse to allow external forces to dictate your internal well-being.
I am in line at the grocery store. I have a cart full of groceries that took me an hour to shop for. I was up late the night before. I don’t feel well. I have a sinus headache coming on. The store is crowded, loud, and hot. I had to park really far away. There are so many other things I’d rather be doing with my family. What are the things I could say to myself?
● I hate grocery shopping!
● This is taking FOREVER.
● Why am I always the one who has to do this?! It’s not fair!
● Ugh, this sucks…
● I feel like total crap. I’m probably getting sick.
● This is going to ruin my entire day.
● Guess my weekend is completely over now.
This line of thinking robs me of my happiness. It siphons away my energy. I feel worse. I believe all the negative things I am thinking. I will bring this negativity home with me, and I will allow it to percolate all afternoon, tainting everything I do and every interaction I have with my family. OR, I could REFRAME the situation:
● How lucky I am to be able to afford such beautiful, fresh food for my family.
● How patient everyone is in the store, standing in line and waiting their turn!
● Think of the delicious meals I will be able to enjoy all week.
● I am thankful that I live in a place where there are clean, warm, brightly-lit and well-stocked grocery stores for me to peruse at my leisure.
● Gosh, it’s sunny out today. I think I’ll drive home with my windows open.
● Look at all the healthy choices I made! I’m so glad I found ripe avocados! Score!
Now I feel happy. I am thankful. I do not need to rush out of here in order to find somewhere where I can be happy; I can be happy here. I feel more patient now. Yes, I still have a headache, and I would still rather be taking a nap, but now I can accept those feelings as visitors. I can let them come and I can let them go. I can choose to replace my frustration with peace. The store has not changed, and it is still crowded and noisy, but now I am enjoying being here. I will bring this feeling of gratefulness, patience, and peace back home with me and it will percolate all afternoon, touching everything that I do and every interaction I have with my family.
The ability to reframe does not happen overnight. It’s just like anything else; it takes practice. Start small. Seek happiness at the gas station and during department meetings. Accept that, at first, your major life issues cannot be overcome. Don’t expect to be able to automatically conquer all negative emotions just because you’ve decided you must. Life is not a constant. Bad things happen; illness, death, loss, violence, things that you have absolutely no control over. You cannot avoid sadness and anger perpetually. When a pet or loved one passes away, you will be sad. When you are confronted with cruelty or violence, you will feel angry. Illness and life changes may cause you to fear. It is how you choose to react to these external forces that will either allow or forbid your access to peace and happiness. Make your thoughts about each piece of your day deliberate. When your mind starts to run away in a direction that you do not want to go, bring it back. Speak to it as if it were a child. Speak to it with patience, as you would when you gently reprimand a toddler; “No, we are not going to do that right now. Right now you are going to listen to what I have to say. I am the adult and I am in control of you. I will not allow you to go to bring us into a negative place.”
Learn to recognize when your mind is disobeying you. When you begin to hear those negative thoughts, “I hate Mondays, I can’t get anything done, this is the worst job ever, I am so tired,” STOP and deliberately replace each of them with a statement of thankfulness and thoughtfulness – “It’s a brand new week! I am going to do my best. I am so glad I am employed, and can have financial security. I will go to bed early tonight, and I will wear my favorite pajamas, and I will let the dog sleep in my bed and snuggle with me.” After a while, and with practice, your mind will realize that you are in control and that you aren’t going to be taking any more of its gloomy shenanigans. You may realize one evening that you have gone all day without having to wrestle your thoughts into submission. Then a few days. Then a week. With repetition, you will find that your natural reaction to every day stressors becomes more positive, while the negative is harder to find.
About a year after my “collapse,” I visited with my therapist to check in. I was feeling overwhelmed and sad, which, in turn, made me more sad, because I thought I had lost my happiness, which I had worked so hard to achieve. I explained to her that I felt like I had spent all year working on inflating a life vest for myself, and that it seemed to work great in calm waters, and so I gained confidence in my ability to stay afloat. However, when I was confronted with rougher seas, I discovered that my life vest wasn’t as buoyant as I thought, and I had started to drown. I admitted that I had slipped back into negative thinking, anxiety, and fear. I felt like giving up; a colleague had been very nasty to me at work, my grandmother had just passed away, I was just getting over a flu virus, and my daily schedule felt unmanageable.
She first reminded me that the goal was not to never have anxiety or sadness. The goal was to quickly adjust my reactions to fear and unhappiness, to bounce back more quickly. She also reminded me that I was a very competent person who had handled all of her life just fine so far, and that she was confident that I would continue to do so. Feeling my confidence returning with her words, I chose to allow the competent me to deal with the everyday aspects of living, while the inner me focused on the continued work of inflating my life vest. A few days later, after taking some time for self-care, reflective writing, and meditation, I realized that my life vest had, after all, seen me through the rapids. I had the tools I needed to survive, and beyond that, walk with happiness and peace. I only needed to remember to utilize them and have faith in my own abilities.
At first, using your tools can feel awkward, especially if they are tools you have left to rust in the bottom of the box. You might feel embarrassed practicing meditation or yoga when others are around. The positive affirmations sound silly and fake. You aren’t one of those crunchy hippie types. You don’t know what to write in your journal. You get impatient with yourself. This is stupid. You don’t need to be “peaceful.” Just get it together! Other people don’t need to do all this crap, and they all seem fine! But look around you and learn how to recognize the signs of stress and unhappiness, because they come in many forms:
● Illness and weak immune system
● Injury and the inability to heal from injury quickly
● Insomnia
● Gossip and friend drama
● Judgement
● Unhealthy levels of competitiveness
● Guilt
● Saying “sorry” or apologizing a lot
● Making excuses or telling lies or exaggerations
● Muscle aches and pains
● Emotional eating
● Fatigue
● Stomach and bowel issues
● Alcohol or substance abuse
● Food intolerances
● Jealousy
Unhappy people don’t always know that they are unhappy. You may spend a lot of time with unhappy people and won’t know it, either, until you learn to recognize it in yourself. Once you begin to reframe, to change your thinking, and to feel true happiness and contentment (in my case for the first time in my adult life) you all of a sudden come to recognize unhappiness in its many forms in others. That colleague who is rude to you in the break room? Unhappy. The woman who is impatient and screaming at her children in the store? Unhappy. The friend who is always cancelling plans at the last minute, making excuses, lying to you? Unhappy. Learning to feel empathy for those who would have normally annoyed you is a great way to amplify your own happiness. Again, REFRAMING.
Maybe that colleague is nasty at work because they are ill or really stressed about something in their personal life. The friend who is always giving you lame excuses is struggling with anxiety. Now, do you feel angry at them, or do you feel empathy for them? And which of those two emotions is the better one to carry around with you? I would chose empathy over anger any day. Namaste.
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