"Clicking In"

You know those first few days after you get married, when it all feels so surreal, and you can’t believe that all of that anticipation and hard work came to fruition, and that the wedding is over, and now you are married? The two of you look at each other in awe over your breakfast and say “you are my husband” and “you are my wife” and then feel all giddy and surprised all over again? For days, randomly in the car on the way to the grocery store or on the couch watching TV, the realization keeps hitting and you just say “we’re married” over and over again, as if you need to say it out loud in order to convince yourself that it’s real?

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately, but about my whole life. The other day my husband was encouraging me to relax “because you’re on vacation” and I realized that he was wrong. I am not on vacation because I quit my job. I don’t get summer vacation any more. I’m a yoga teacher now. I own a yoga studio. It’s like I have to say it out loud over and over to make it real, even as I am actually doing it. I labeled myself as unemployed in the company of friends recently, and they protested, “no you’re not! You are a small business owner!”

In the past month I have gone from having a full time career, a kid in public school, and a fairly pedestrian life to being shakily self employed as a yoga teacher, homeschooling my daughter, and basically trying to come to terms with the fact that this summer vacation is not a vacation and it is not going to end - this is my life now. Today is the way all of my days are going to be. I do feel like I have jumped off of a cliff and I am still in free fall, having no real idea where I am going to land. Is it exhilarating? Yes. The enormousness of my new freedom is thrilling and terrifying all at once.

I will say this: I am healing inside and out. I am doing the work. When I sit back and check in with my inner self, my wisdom, I do feel like I am on the right path. When I am in yoga class, I can see the good that I am doing. During Savasana, as my students lie on their mats with eyes closed in final meditation, I walk the room and touch each of them on the shoulders. I press my palms to their skin and I think “love, love, love, love, love” to myself, infusing as much love as I can into each student in turn. Their faces are so serene and beautiful at that moment. Sending loving kindness to others fills me up in ways that I had not expected.

I had always loved my high school students, always had compassion for them, was proud of them, fought for them. But the structure and framework that we were forced to interact within (the public school system) does not lend itself well to building deep and authentic connections among people. The school system is built on conformity, competition, and linear achievement. Teachers deliver data to students, students compute the data, and regurgitate the data in a closed loop that exists outside of the grid of true human experience on this planet. The school is an artificial environment; a rehearsal for real life.

This is not saying that there is no value to the education that is provided, or that teachers are not absolutely performing miracles to form strong positive relationships with students; teachers are incredible people for creating the successes that they do in a system that is inherently against them. But in the yoga classroom, we are truly stripped down to our basic physical bodies, brought to witness the state of our own hearts and minds, and truly step outside of our comfort zones with one another in a very intimate and exposing way. Choosing to practice in the presence of others, some whom you hardly know, takes a certain amount of bravery. I believe that allowing yourself that vulnerability in the company of others can reap immense rewards. Yoga provides you with a direct path to authentic human experience; you can’t hide from yourself in yoga class.

We do not often walk up to strangers in public, place our hands on their skin, close our eyes, and infuse them with loving energy (but imagine the world if we could!) - but in the studio, we do. If only for one hour a week, you are fully present in your own body, you truly allow yourself to bring your thoughts to the present moment, and you examine what lies inside without judgement or fear, you change yourself. You raise your vibration and start to carry that peace you create in the studio with you into the outside world

So, am I broke? Yes. I also don't have very good health insurance anymore, I am not contributing to a pension plan, and I will probably have student loans until I die at this point. Sometimes I am worried and I have self-doubts. I don’t know what is coming next, and for someone who is a type A personality who always has a plan, that is hard for me at times. I am fully aware of how I look to people who don’t understand what I am doing or why. But I am deliberately on the path now. My entire being is laser-focused on this mission to live an authentic life, even if that means losing people, passing on financial security, or appearing “weird.” I have faith that I’ll attract my tribe, I’ll manifest what I need most, and I love myself enough not to internalize judgments.

That said, I encourage you to be weird, “click in,” do the work, be in your body, and follow me down this path. Wherever we all end up, we will be there alone together! Namaste.