I took our Christmas tree down today, two days after Christmas. Too soon? There have been years where my tree has been gone before sunset on Christmas day, and other years we are still enjoying it on New Year's Eve. The house looks strangely empty and sparse with the decorations and gifts all gone and put away, but it's a nice feeling; a feeling of freshness and newness. This is the time of year when we begin to turn our minds towards renewal, towards starting fresh or beginning anew. With the winter solstice, we celebrate the return of the sun, as we finally pass the longest night and the days begin to lengthen once again. The solstice is a time of reflection, releasing that which has not served us well in the past year and setting intentions to grow in our lives as the sun’s strength grows little by little each day. Then, the Gregorian calendar tells us that January 1st is the beginning of the new calendar year, and we start back at 1/1, another time when we traditionally make resolutions, set goals, and reflect.
This has been one of the most tumultuous years of my life. I cannot think of another time when I’ve faced so many challenges or experienced so much change. There have been many situations that are out of my control but have had a huge effect on me; the pandemic, of course, economic and political upheaval, loved ones with cancer, loss and suffering, bad news and lots to be afraid of and worry about. I’ve made drastic changes to my own life; leaving my teaching career, opening the yoga studio, and pulling my daughter from public school to home school. I continue to discover new facets of those choices each day as my new life is still in its infancy. I’ve done a lot of inner work this year, as well; coming to grips with my own faults and insecurities, releasing fear and self doubt, learning to trust my inner voice and not shy away from being my authentic self; work that will never be done, I’m sure! But I’ve made great progress, both by choice and by necessity.
Since I often use journaling or writing as a way to process and understand myself, I have been using a series of prompts in my journal this week to continue my inner work. These were four of my favorite end-of-year reflection questions to ponder so far:
What relationship most supported your growth this past year?
Hands down, my husband takes first place for this one. The man agreed to take on the bulk of our financial obligations so that I could pursue the yoga dream. Leaving my teaching career had huge financial implications that went beyond my small paycheck; my job carried with it our health insurance, was tied to my student loan repayment, and other benefits that were hard to lose. He built my studio. And now, five times a week for an hour or two each time, he can’t use his own garage, his dream which he waited a decade to achieve. His capacity for sacrifice astonishes me every day. I have never met anyone more generous and supportive. I am beyond lucky to have him. I have every intention of continuing the myriad small ways I support him in his dreams and his life in the year to come, and I know that our undying support for one another is one reason we have such an unbreakable marriage.
I cannot discount the extraordinary amount of support I’ve had from my friends, either. They come to my classes, give me invaluable feedback, help me to become a better teacher, ignore my mistakes and celebrate my achievements. My coven and sangha group give me a place to be myself, practice my spirituality, and experience a deep connection with people who share my beliefs. I consider my friends to be my sisters in womanhood, and our time together divinely guided. Without them, I would be lost.
What was an unexpected joy this past year?
I have had so many joys in my life this year, but I’ll admit most of them were expected joys that I planned for and worked for. I am a firm believer in being the creator of your own joy and success. I expected to find joy in my studio; I had been teaching yoga for a year prior and had always found joy there. I expected to find joy in my home and my garden and my family; these things have always been sources of immense happiness. I think my biggest unknown this year was home school. I was willing to give it my all, but I had major concerns that it would be an epic fail. My daughter is smart and capable, but she is still a teenager, an age that comes with its own set of complications and challenges. I worried that, even though home school was her choice, she would resent me for being her teacher, that homeschooling would ruin our relationship, or that I would not be patient enough, strong enough, capable enough.
Instead, home school has become an epic and unexpected joy. The both of us are so much calmer, well-rested, and less stressed. We quickly found our rhythm, settled into our schedule, and began to truly enjoy the experience. We do school work in our home office four days a week for about 3 hours. On Fridays, we go on field trips; zip-lining in the White Mountains, art museums, hiking and camping, tours of famous architecture, planetariums, historical villages, seaports, Niagara Falls, theaters, and abandoned WW2 bunkers, just to name a few. We have a gym membership, do yoga, take long walks to the lake, do art projects and science experiments. My daughter’s math skills have gone from passable to extraordinary, she has completely unleashed her creative writing abilities, and is enjoying my rather eclectic literature picks, discovering aspects of our world history that are often missed in the public school curriculum. Our days are not devoid of struggles, for sure, but I cannot adequately describe the massive amounts of joy we have discovered through homeschooling. While I will try not to pressure her either way, and I promise I’ll allow her to make her own decisions about attending public high school, I have to admit that I would not be displeased in the least if she decides to stay home.
What do you want to bring into the world and into your life this upcoming year?
Our world is in such a precarious place right now; it cries out for so much that the needs are deafening. It’s impossible to attend to all that I would wish for this world and all of its peoples. I have to narrow my view to just “my” world if I can hope to have any effect whatsoever. So, given that understanding, I STILL hope to create world peace. If this writing, or my yoga classes, or my meditations can in any small way create just a few hours of peace for a small slice of the human population, then it’s worth it. I hold firm in my belief that creating peace in yourself is, indeed, creating peace in the world. Every minute I spend in meditation, every minute I guide my students in practice, every minute of inner well-being that I can grant to another human being is my contribution to the world as a whole. This is my path and I will not veer from it, no matter what other life changes may occur.
As far as what I’d bring into my own life this upcoming year, I can only hope for continued health and security, that which we all pray for. I hope to grow my yoga business, branch out, and reach a wider audience. With my new online classes I have the potential to bring my teachings to people all over the world. I also feel very drawn to bring more mindfulness to educators in particular, having experienced that unique stress myself. I intend to pursue opportunities to offer yoga and mindfulness training to educators in public schools, places that are in dire need. While my personal choice has been to pursue a different career, and our family has chosen home school for the moment, there will always be a special place in my heart for teachers and students, and my inner self is still drawn to contributing to our public school system in ways that make sense to me.
What will you do to continue to find balance in your life this upcoming year?
I am truly blessed and privileged to live a fairly well-balanced life already. This year, in particular, I have found more time for physical and mental wellness practices, more time to develop spiritually, and have had much more time to spend with friends, an aspect of my life I’ve neglected in the past. One thing that I will make sure to continue is my journaling practice. I am a writer, and I always have been. Writing is how I process my feelings, record my life, and make sense of my world. I have started and then forgotten numerous journals over the years. This year I finally found a journaling strategy that works for me and I fully intend to stick with it. And it's not just about the writing; it’s about the time. The time I give myself each morning to sit, to think and feel, to write and doodle. It’s a meditative practice. The biggest thing I will mourn if and when I return to the 9-5 world is that precious morning time.
Second, I will never, ever, ever return to an employment situation that deteriorates my mental well-being or my physical health again. I will never work where I am not treated as a highly educated, professional, responsible adult, because that is what I am. I will never consider a job where I cannot have boundaries or practice self care or make decisions about my own life without guilt. I will have employment that makes me feel respected and valued. If this year has taught me anything it's that there is no amount of financial compensation (and let’s be real, teachers don't even make that much!) that is worth the loss of myself. I’d rather wear second hand clothing, cook all my own meals, drive an old Jeep, grow my own food, and be the owner of my own life. I will never stay at a job where I am yelled at (yes, that happened) or lied to (that, too). Now that I have experienced a life on the other side, there’s no going back. I love myself too much. The best way for me to maintain balance in my life is to maintain my boundaries, especially when it comes to my livelihood.
As this year draws to a close, I hope that you are able to take some time to reflect on your own life, count your blessings, mourn your losses, and set intentions for your future. Think about all of the wonderful parts of your world that you would like to maintain, and consider what aspects of your life are no longer serving you and should be released. The New Year does not need to be about losing a number of pounds, or making a number of dollars. Perhaps it can simply be a time to pause, to observe yourself, to notice how you have changed, to appreciate your own growth and discover your own inner voice.
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