I distinctly remember being in elementary school, nearing the end of the school year, and planning my birthday party. It was always the most exciting time for me, because my birthday always happened on the last week of school and we had a pool and a trampoline. I wrote a guest list with all of my best friends and favorite classmates on it and brought it to my mother. She noticed that my neighbor wasn’t on the list; a girl my age who lived on my street who often tried desperately to be my friend even though I thought she was weird and annoying. The two of us were often lumped together by our parents and other kids in the neighborhood simply because we were girls and in the same grade, but I didn’t like her all that much. Despite my protests, my mom insisted that I invite my neighbor to avoid hurting her feelings. I thought this girl would not only ruin my party but would embarrass me simply by association. But my mother said, “invite her anyway; she probably won’t even come.” Well, what do you know, the day came and for some reason or another, she couldn’t come! I avoided hurting her feelings and it worked out in my favor!
I never forgot that piece of advice, and it has worked for me time and time again throughout my life. Call it luck, coincidence, or karma, but whenever I reluctantly invite someone, they can’t make it! This summer, my teenage daughter begged for us to throw a big end-of-summer bash at our house. We started with a guest list. I was immediately feeling torn; I had been trying all summer to delicately extricate myself from a friendship group that had gone sour and was kind of hoping it was almost time for it to fade away for good. I really wasn’t interested in their company, and knew I would enjoy the evening less if they were here, but I didn’t want to be mean or cause unnecessary hurt, so I invited them. They all RSVP’d yes. I wasn’t thrilled, but I consoled myself with the knowledge that there were going to be nearly 50 guests at my house, so I likely wouldn’t have to spend my whole evening with them, anyhow – no worries. But wouldn't you know it, only a couple of weeks before the party, they reached out to me, we had a frank discussion, and the relationship ended cordially; I wouldn’t be seeing them after all! And no hurt feelings. Just like my mom taught me, I invited them anyway and it all worked out. I was so relieved.
Lately I’ve been thinking about this idea as a bigger metaphor for life in general. The idea that I should “invite it all” to have a place in my life with the assurance that only the stuff that is meant for me will always show up, and the stuff that isn’t will not. Instead of exerting effort on blocking discomfort or pushing unpleasant things away from me, I invite them in; maybe uncomfortable, icky experiences or feelings are actually meant to teach me something, who knows? Imagine if you closed yourself off to anything different, disagreeable, or challenging and it caused you to miss out on something beautiful, a solution you've been searching for, or an experience that teaches you something. Maybe by expanding your guest list to all kinds of guests, not just your favorite ones, you’ll find out that the ick has more to do with having to constantly constantly block or avoid and less to do with the thing you were avoiding. I will certainly never forget my mother’s advice, and I encourage you to practice it as well. Invite them anyway; they probably won’t even show up.
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