Sacral Chakra - PLEASURE/CREATIVITY - In what ways do you deny yourself pleasure, and what forces cause you to do so (guilt, fear, expectations, etc)? How do you regularly tap into your creativity in a way that brings you joy?
I have a long and deep history with self-control and self denial. As an oldest daughter, type A personality, and an admitted control freak, my daily life, while enjoyable and pleasurable in its own way, is also riddled with routines, rules, processes, and procedures of my own creation (under the guise as self-care of course!). The most restricted area of my life is probably my diet. Due to a long list of food allergies and intolerances, I have followed a strict diet for the past decade which doesn’t allow for gluten, dairy, soy, and nuts. These alone mean I virtually never have processed foods (all the yummy tasting stuff), and am relegated to meats, fruits and vegetables, rice and potatoes, with not a lot of wiggle room in between. I watch friends and family devour cookies and pizza with envy. Food is rarely pleasurable for me, even though I think I am not a half bad cook with the experience to make delicious substitutions for most of my old favorites.
I am also not one to luxuriate in rest and repose; they say that the need to always be productive is a result of a past trauma of some kind, but I can’t think of a time in my life when I wasn’t this driven or efficient. I often deny myself comfort when I perceive a task to be a higher priority than myself (this can look like not going right to bed when I am tired because the living room needs to be picked up). I’ve been known to keep working even if the work is hurting me; I have always been a “get it over with” type of person with a fierce independent streak, so I’d rather injure myself than ask for help carrying something heavy.
Up until recently, I lived a life that was fairly unappealing to myself, but I kept trying to tough it out. I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing by going to a job every day that made me stressed out, anxious and depressed. Guilt, obligation, and societal expectations kept me from pursuing my passions. I hit a point where it just wasn’t sustainable anymore. I left behind the life I was living out of obligation to pursue a life that made me feel passionate and creative again. My yoga business is my own and I put my whole heart into it; I find so much fulfillment in planning and teaching, decorating and maintaining the studio, and running my business, right down to the bookkeeping. I’ve also found more time to pursue my creative side with this blog, writing having always been a passion of mine. And my new work schedule allows me to take more time to be creative in other ways, like decorating my home, gardening, sewing, and journaling.
I still feel guilty when I am restful, but I try to be more cognizant of it, and allow myself to rest when I need to rather than pushing myself to exhaustion. With my career change, I have a little more breathing space to take care of my health and well-being, where I was stretched too thin previously. I’m still not one to spend money on spa treatments or loll about in bubble baths, but I recognize that I can afford myself the time to meditate, be spiritual, read, or do a puzzle, all of which bring me quiet pleasure. I am working to find balance between enjoyment and productivity, and I believe that my personality will always make this a challenge. I will have to continue my way on the middle path as best I can when it comes to pleasure and creativity.
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