Heart - LOVE/COMPASSION - In what ways do you deny yourself love and compassion that you would normally afford to others? Why do you think you do this?
I’m embarrassed to admit that, in ways, I sometimes afford myself love and compassion that I do not give to others. Or, perhaps more accurately, I am equally harsh with others as I am to myself. I find these feelings are not equal across all aspects of life, however. In the yoga studio, I am soft and gentle with every soul that steps in the door, accepting of others, absolutely in love with my students, and apt to being more compassionate for myself as well; I suppose that speaks well to the effects of yoga practice! But sometimes, especially more recently, when I read and hear so much about awful behavior in the world, I admit that it’s hard to feel love and compassion for all beings, especially those who I see acting without compassion themselves. This is, I believe, a universal human struggle; to find love and compassion in our hearts for those who hurt us or go against us in some way.
When I say to myself, “I am strong, I am smart, I am beautiful,” I do actually believe these things deep down; I do love myself, even though I dislike my flaws and weaknesses. I think that we forget that we are not our flaws and weaknesses, we are not our suffering. Remembering this fact makes it easier to love ourselves. I have respect for myself, and I care for myself well. I value my body, and I show this regard with my physical practices and my self care routines, my diet and exercise. I understand that my flaws are not me, so I am able to love myself while acknowledging that I am in no way perfect.
I understand that many of my flaws come from fear; when I am sharp or inflexible, harsh or resistant, it is usually because I am afraid or feeling a loss of control that brings uneasiness. When I am unable to love others or myself it is due to my own suffering at the same time as it causes my own suffering. I understand that this is the case for most people out there in the world. Although I typically try to swipe quickly past them whenever they do cross my feed (I avoid ingesting negative media whenever I can), those “crazy Karen” videos on the internet are the perfect example of this phenomenon. Those women who shout and yell and make demands are afraid; afraid of being replaced, afraid of change, afraid of the unknown or unfamiliar, and their bad behavior is that fear bubbling over. I try to love people enough to accept these failings, even when their actions are not commendable, and I try to do the same for myself, although not always successfully.
I have a vivid memory from this past summer, and it was such a powerful experience that it stays with me and I return to it often in my meditation. I was walking on the strip at Hampton Beach. It was crowded, dirty, hot and loud. There were skinny people, fat people, overdressed, underdressed, masked, tattooed, veiled, smoking, swearing, laughing, eating, wearing MAGA hats and peace signs… what you would expect from a crowded boardwalk. Normally, I would be anxious here; I don’t like crowds or noise or trash on the ground, I am Covid-shy, and I don’t eat junk food, so this isn’t my comfort zone. But this particular evening, something shifted in me. As I walked, I looked at each person I passed with such compassion and love, I truly saw beauty in each person, from the obese man in the “Fuck Biden” tee shirt to the Muslim family in their robes, the teenage girls in their thongs, and the man with the dreadlocks blasting rap music from a speaker in his backpack. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and an outpouring of love and compassion for humankind. I don’t know where it came from, but I have rarely if ever felt so happy and content being moved along in the throng, a part of the flow of teeming life. It lasted for a mere thirty minutes, but it was so powerfully moving that I now seek out that feeling whenever I am in public places.
Any of my students who take a peek at me during their end of class savasana meditation will see me seated on my rug in lotus pose, with my eyes closed and one hand on my heart. This is the time when I am focusing all of my energy on my heart, breathing love into myself from all of the students in the room, cycling it through my heart, and sending it out to you all tenfold. Western self-care culture tells us to “breathe in the good shit and breath out the bullshit” or “breath in the positive, and breathe out the negative,” but in Buddhist tradition, yogis are told to breath IN the suffering of others and breathe OUT love, compassion, and kindness into the universe. I connect with this traditional Eastern view so much more deeply. In case I haven’t told you lately, I love you.
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