Remember that old adage about “being your own worst enemy?” Yup, that’s me! Until recently, I never really thought about how much my own perceptions create my reality. It’s really been a result of my yoga and meditation practice that I have begun to truly release that which no longer serves me, and figuring out that most of what I needed to let go of were some of my own thoughts and feelings! I had no idea how much my own negative thinking patterns affected the choices I made and how my life unfolded until I was on the verge of making a life-changing career change this past spring. Deciding to make major changes in my life brought me face to face with my own inner critic, that cruel and unrelenting voice that was always telling me I wasn’t good enough. So, without further ado, here are two things I’ve needed to let go of this year in order to pursue my dream life.
Self doubt.
I believe that I am solely responsible for my own happiness. I believe that I am the only one who is tasked with making my life what I want it to be. So, it must follow that I am also to blame when things don’t go as planned, and this line of thinking brought me a lot of self doubt this year. Leaving my stable career to take a leap of faith and open a yoga studio was one of the most risky things I have ever done, and boy was I weighed down by self doubt over it! Whenever a yoga class didn’t book up, I felt like a failure. I felt like I was walking on eggshells for most of the summer, constantly waiting to fail, doubting my ability to bring this dream to fruition. What if my students don’t like the classes I offer? What if I don’t get any bookings this week? What if I screw up a sequence? I was constantly dragging myself back up out of the pit of imaginary despair all summer. The funny thing is, my business grew every single month. I went from two classes a week to three, then four… I was actually succeeding while doubting myself every step of the way. What faulty thinking!
At the end of each yoga class, for about 8-9 minutes, students lie on their mats in low lighting, with soft music playing, and take a Savasana, or restful meditation. During this time, I sit on my own mat at the front of the room and monitor the time, the music, and the room itself. I also go to each student and place my hands on their shoulders, and I concentrate on sending loving, peaceful energy into them. Many times, I feel them exhale and relax deeper, their faces smooth and they look so serene and beautiful. I have never felt so fulfilled as I do during yoga class. I am watching my students become more mindful, less stressed, stronger, more flexible, and more confident. I truly feel as if I am creating peace. Each class helps me to feel less stressed, more flexible, stronger, and more confident as well. This is the first time in my life that I have had a job where the give and the take are almost equal. Public school teachers always give so much more than they receive, the expectation being that they empty themselves for their students. In the yoga studio, we fill each other up, and it is a truly magical thing. This magic has helped me to release some of the self doubt I carry.
I also had major self doubt about homeschooling. The confidence I had felt when I sent in the letter stating I would be homeschooling my daughter somehow evaporated as the end of summer neared. I was extremely worried about taking on an entire eighth grade year, to the point of losing sleep. I am a certified Secondary English teacher with years of experience, but how would I manage math and science, art, music, PE? What if all we did was argue, what if she resisted getting up in the morning, what if being my daughter’s teacher made her hate me? I wasn’t willing to sacrifice our relationship for a math quiz… but, as always, those fears about my abilities were unfounded. Three months into the “school year” and I am absolutely thrilled with the progress she has made. She is reading classic literature, learning about history, politics, and psychology, studying the Pythagorean theorem and astronomy and physics, taking music lessons, doing multimedia art projects, working out at the gym, participating in Scout camp outs and events, and learning SO much every day. I am continuously amazed.
We typically have a four day school week, using Fridays for day trips and travel. We have gone to Niagara Falls, zip-lining in the White Mountains, explored Salem, Massachusetts, hiked Quechee Gorge in Vermont, visited Science Centers and museums and sculpture parks. This weekend we are heading to Portland, Maine and will be taking the ferry over to Peak’s Island to explore the World War II post buried in the forest there. Next weekend she camps out with Scouts, and we have trips to Atlanta and Virginia planned. Little by little, I am losing the doubts I had about being an effective home school mom and teacher.
Even when we have hard days, when we are tired and cranky, or sniping at each other over a difficult assignment, even those days I see her learning. I know that she is being educated. I know that she has 100% of her teacher’s attention, and that she is not losing any of her time to other students’ behaviors, wasted transition time, or topics that are redundant or not challenging enough for her. Every successful day at home school and every fantastic trip we take helps to erase that massive load of self-doubt that I struggled with. It’s not always perfect, but we are having fun, we are healthy and safe, and home school has brought us so much freedom to explore and learn that I have a hard time thinking about her going into high school next year. Little by little, I have lost that self doubt that was keeping me up at nights before school started.
Guilt.
This one’s a doozy. I was raised in the Catholic church and had strict parents who had high expectations of me. I was a straight A student my whole life, and utterly dreaded disappointing my parents. I always had a drive to succeed, to do everything right, to be the responsible one, and to never do anything “crazy.” I even chose my career based on what would be best for my family. I thought being a teacher meant having the same hours and calendar as my daughter, and it provided health insurance for my family, since my husband is self employed. I was good at teaching and I enjoyed my students, but it was never my passion. I even remember being an undergrad at Keene State College, pursuing my creative writing dreams, vowing that I would NEVER become a teacher. Somehow, age and life steered me that way anyhow, and I accepted that when you grow up you can no longer follow your dreams… or so I thought.
I struggled with an excruciating amount of guilt when making the decision to leave teaching. The reasons to feel guilty went on and on. I felt like I was abandoning my students, both my caseload students and my freshman advisory students, all of whom I had grown incredibly close with. I still had unpaid student loans from my teaching degree. I would no longer be able to provide us with the family health insurance. My husband would have to take up the lion’s share of the financial obligations for a while if I was going to pursue this new path. All of this guilt was based on what I thought I owed to others. I felt as if I was letting people down by taking care of myself and pursuing my own passions. Every time my husband paid a bill I felt guilty. When school started this fall without me, and I saw photos of my old classroom renovated and my advisory students in another teacher’s classroom, I felt guilty.
I have had to readjust how I see my own value. Why is it that we always focus on our perceived weaknesses or flaws, and never our strengths and self worth? I am working to remind myself daily that I bring value to the people I care about in different ways now. I am able to keep my house cleaner, cook better meals more frequently for my family, spend way more quality time with my daughter, I care for and spend more time with my pets and animals, I am happier and more loving towards my husband now, and I have time to do nice things for my friends. I am not too tired or stressed out to participate in social things, commit myself to community and charity events, or to go out of my way to care for someone in need. Because I am happier and healthier, I bring more harmony and happiness to my home and my family, and that has real value. I may not be bringing in gigantic paychecks at the moment, but let’s be real, I wasn’t doing that when I was working full time anyhow!
As a society, we have been conditioned to only appreciate someone’s ability to create wealth, but we forget to value all of the truly important things we can build and create that aren’t money-related. Now, I spend less time feeling guilty, which does absolutely nothing to help anyone, and more time appreciating my own value, which brings more loving kindness into my life.
I have made every effort to recognize that loading myself with the weight of self doubt and guilt do nothing but slow me down and make me miserable, and they are emotions that lie to me. Self doubt tells me I am not smart and capable. Guilt tells me that I am not valuable or worthy of love and respect. Neither of these things are true. I repeat affirmations to myself every morning, and practice releasing that which no longer serves me at every full moon ritual. And when those old doubts and negative thoughts arise, I pause to reassure myself. I look back through my home school planner and see all of the amazing things we have learned this year. I go to the yoga studio and celebrate what a stunning space I have the luxury of teaching in. I open the pantry or the fridge and admire all of the delicious healthy food I have been able to grow for my family this year. I browse through photos on my phone, and reminisce about all the amazing friendships I’ve found this year, and the fabulous things we have done together. I scroll through my website and my blog and feel proud of the work I have done, the thing that I have created. I have value. I am strong and capable. And I am not looking back.
I encourage you to ask yourself what is no longer serving you and needs to be released from your life, and then work to let it go. Clear out some emotional space for all of the amazing and wonderful things that you can accomplish when you drop that mental weight that is holding you down.
"Letting go is hard, but sometimes holding on is harder."
Bình luận