Taking Stock

One year ago this week I walked into my principal’s office at 6:45 am and, with my whole body literally shaking with anxiety, told him that I was resigning at the end of the school year, after nearly fifteen years in public education. Only a couple of weeks later, I sent a letter to my SAU office informing them that I was withdrawing my daughter from public school. A few weeks after that, I opened Common Yoga and held my first in-studio class. I spent the summer of 2021 trying to build my yoga business and planning my daughter’s eighth grade year at home. I lay awake at night worrying, second guessing myself, and picturing worst-case scenarios. I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew that I had to make some drastic changes if I was going to salvage my family's and my mental and physical health.

It all seems so far away now; a whole different life. I sat down this morning to sketch out a rough plan for the rest of my daughter's eighth grade school year and found only four weeks left in her school planner. I’m on the last page of my personal planner. I instantly felt like it was time to take stock. Did I do everything I set out to do? What had I set out to do? The past year has absolutely flown by, and so many changes have taken place in my life that my head feels like it’s spinning sometimes. It’s moments like these where I know I am meant to pause and take stock. So, I went back to a year-old journal entry where I listed my hopes and dreams for this year, to check back in with myself. Here are my reflections:

Home school

I am writing this as I sit in my sunny home office. I am sipping some mint tea and the only sounds are some quiet background music and the clicking of keyboards. I say keyboards, plural, because my daughter is sitting right next to me working on a research project for her Health class. When I look back over our home school year I am absolutely blown away by how successful it was. My daughter went from hating math to becoming quite proficient and confident in it. We read challenging novels this year, far above her grade level, and she learned about places throughout history, from ancient Mesopotamia to Colonial America, the Vietnam War to the Holocaust. I have never taken so many trips in one year in my life as I have this year; the two of us experienced so many beautiful museums full of art and history and science, flew to tropical places, drove across hundreds of miles of farmland, rode boats into waterfalls, and zip-lined down mountains.

My daughter took music lessons, learned digital animation, practiced printmaking and sewed her own quilt. The hands-on and experiential learning has been such a blessing on top of our regular school days in the office. She is leaving her 8th grade year with two high school credits under her belt, and an acceptance into the full time NH public charter school, where she plans to complete her graduation requirements early and pursue college courses her senior year. I could not be more proud.

What could have gone better? In all honesty, as we approach the end I admit that I could have probably been more flexible. Knowing that routine was good for both of us as we took on this school year from home, I was pretty strict with it, even insisting that we complete work while traveling and on days when neither of us felt like it. If we missed a day, we doubled up the next day to stay on track. Admittedly, I could have been a little looser and we still would have been just fine. I think that I was so worried about doing justice to this huge responsibility I had taken on that I was afraid that any leniency might lead to a slide into un-schooling (no judgment to those who choose that, but it was not my intent). Looking back, I think I could have left our computers at home for at least one of our beach trips and still managed to survive. Lesson learned.

Yoga

The yoga business took off quickly, and for the first eight months I increased the number of classes and students, and my revenue rose every single month. I have not yet made as much money as I had hoped for; my goal was to consistently bring in at least four hundred dollars per week by the one year mark, and I have not been able to do that. I’ve come close to a full week several times, and more than once I would book out all of my classes and then be hit with a handful of last minute cancellations that would set me back again; so close. I definitely had my growing pains; maneuvering Covid, dealing with scheduling and cancellations, and getting my website right to name just a few. It took me a little while to figure out how to manage the services calendar, what my cancellation policy would be, and work the technical kinks out of my online class, but things have definitely been smoother the past few months as I've settled into a routine.

I offered my first workshop in February, “The Refuge Within,” which was almost filled (I think it was short by one seat), and was really fun. I threw so much of myself into planning it and I felt that it went really well. It was a really lovely evening of meditation, writing, and movement. I am offering another one, “Your Inner Landscape,” in May. This time around I am charging a few dollars more than last time, but I am also buying more freebies and supplies, and offering refreshments. I am really excited to do some more hands-on activities to help with intention setting, and I have lots of fun ideas up my sleeve for this one. I am very hopeful that I can fill the seats all the way this time.

This past March was, by far, my slowest month, and I will be completely honest and say I was really struggling with feelings of despair and self-pity as many of my classes often only had 2-3 students in them. What used to be my weekly goal became my goal for the month, and I had a lot of thoughts about throwing in the towel. I am lucky to have such loving and supportive friends, who encouraged me to keep going, and a husband who is so patient and generous. Things have picked up again this month, and I’m hopeful. I will keep going, because I know that I am doing what I love, that it’s good for me, and that it’s good for my customers, too. I may need to take on another side hustle or two to stay afloat, but the yoga studio will stay open. I am determined to make it work.

Garden and Prepping

If you know me personally in any way at all you know that I am passionate about self-sustainable living and being prepared to rely on yourself at all times, no matter what life throws at you. I have been “prepping” for years, and every year I add to my skill set, expand my garden, and preserve more food and supplies. This year was no different; I built a huge new greenhouse, added a new 30 foot bed to my garden footprint, erected a permanent tomato trellis, poured an impenetrable concrete pad for my chicken coop, invested in a food dehydrator, and reorganized my food storage system to be safer and more streamlined. Having more time in my day, I was able to can and dehydrate more food than ever, and my family has been able to enjoy healthy homegrown produce and herbs all winter with plenty to spare. It’s backbreaking labor and hours of work, but I get so much satisfaction out of eating from my own yard all year round, and it brings me a huge sense of safety and security.

Most people who “prep” would tell you not to advertise because it draws attention and you don’t want anyone to know what you have. But I feel just the opposite. I believe that everyone should be learning to rely more heavily on themselves instead of the crazy world around us to provide, and if I can help teach, inspire, or influence others to be prepared it is worth the risk. People don’t survive alone; communities survive together. So, instead of hiding in my basement counting jars I have spent this year talking about self sustainability to anyone who will listen. I have spent hours streaming live videos from my garden and my kitchen, showing people how to grow, harvest, and preserve. I answer questions online, encourage people to try it for themselves, and share what I know and what I grow. Do I plan to become a food pantry if the shit hits the fan? Hell no, my family will always come first and we are more than capable of protecting ourselves. But if everyone has the ability to survive then nobody has to resort to taking from others and we can raise each other up, instead. Crazy? Sure, call me what you want. I prefer “happy with a twist.”

As we speak, seedlings are popping up in the greenhouse (I planted way too much, as always) and I just served our last jar of homemade applesauce with dinner the other night. I can’t wait to get back out there and get my hands in the dirt, and I fully plan on doing that on camera as I explain how to anyone who will listen.

My Book

I can say with confidence that I definitely did NOT do what I set out to do as far as my writing this year. I have been writing the same old stupid book for years now, and my plan was to finish it and work towards publication this year. With all honesty, I barely worked on it. I started out with all of the best intentions, and was writing a little bit every day, but the words just weren’t coming. Maybe I lost the thread, or this book just wasn’t calling to me anymore, but it petered out at around 180 pages and I have not yet been able to tie it back together. It’s ridiculous, really, because I know that with very little work I could have a completed draft. I just have no motivation to finish it.

Instead, I’ve been pounding away at this blog all year and feeling really happy with what I’m doing. So I try to let go of self-disappointment and just roll with it. I have been thinking lately that writing has always been a joy for me and that maybe I just need to let it be that without the pressure of being published always weighing me down. Perhaps I need to let go of constantly trying to monetize everything that I love and just keep doing it for the doing’s sake. My blog posts rarely get more than 50 views, and I’ve not yet hit 100 on one. Some days I spent hours getting through editing and publishing a post and then agonizing as six whole people read it. Which, honestly, is stupid because a couple of years ago I would have been too afraid to publish anything online and I would have been thrilled if six people read my writing. So that’s progress!

Whether I categorize this unfulfilled dream as a win or a loss, I can at least say that I wrote a LOT this year. I brought a notebook with me to every museum and every botanical garden and every beach chair. I journaled, I wrote poetry, I wrote both fiction and personal narrative, I blogged and I did shadow work. Some of it was garbage and I posted it, some was good and I kept it to myself, but either way, the joy was in the process, and I can’t take that as a loss.

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The bottom line for me, of course, is am I happier? I gave up a lot of good things when I left my teaching career. I left behind colleagues whom I respected and students whom I loved. I gave up financial security and had to accept that I would need to make sacrifices when it came to spending. My daughter missed out on a certain amount of socializing with her peers and we both had to accept the amount of isolation we were inviting into our lives. I know what people thought of me and I'm sure those thoughts weren't always positive. I even remember saying often that I was “blowing up my life” or that I was “jumping off a cliff.” I had my doubts, and plenty of them! But I AM happier. So much happier. I am healthier, inside and out. I don’t get IBS attacks or muscle spasms in my neck anymore, I don’t get panic attacks, and I don’t dread Sunday nights or Monday mornings anymore. I feel more balanced, more aligned. You could say that although I jumped off a cliff, I somehow managed to land on both feet after only bouncing a few times.